Pigs from Space: Raiders to bombard baby Broncos like 'Star Wars' missile defence system that Ronald Reagan announced in 1983
Fact.
Oh no, not the Broncos in Brisbane. Whatever are we to do.
Answer: win, baby.
We beat the Broncos tonight. Worst case, a draw. Worst-worst case, a narrow loss because of Home Town Factor, arguably enjoyed by us last week, the Rub of the Green is a golf term, I just found it out.
Never stop learning, people.
The Titans? It’s a ‘W’ in the bank, they don’t paint pictures on the NRL ladder but if they did they’d paint a hard-fought and bruising win over Titans who grew a leg, gained momentum, tackled like devil-dogs and turned into a footy side that gave a shit.
Hudson Young said it post-match: “The Titans were tough.”
Compare them with Parramatta Eels in Darwin Friday night. There is no comparison. Well, there is a comparison - one cared, the other spent 40 minutes thinking about getting jiggy in Shennanigans.
I reckon the game gives the Titans belief. They didn’t take a ‘W’ away but they worked out how to get one. They host Manly at 5:30pm tonight, in the wet, kept safe by books at $3.50, it’s not so stupid.
We’re the same price. It is quite stupid.
Because we beat the Broncos tonight, same way we beat anyone - tackle, wrestle, get lucky. Sounds like a Saturday night of courtship at the Private Bin; it is the formula for subjugation of one’s enemy.
With the ball, our big forwards get the roll on - Joe Tapine, Josh Papalii, Pasami Saulo, the belter, Trey Mooney, the mad Pom Morgan Smithies, the emerging Ata Mariota.
Hudson Young will do Hudson Young, and Danny Levi will scare shit out of them with probing darts.
When he goes off, on comes Tom Starling, fresh for 20 minutes. They’ll still tell you Ricky Stuart can’t coach. Jesus Christ he’s been in professional rugby league for 38 years. He mightn’t know the capital of Portugal (Lisbon) but he’s got of fair body of work in rugby league, he should do a PhD, whatever that is, become a doctor.
I do like the two-prong, 60/20 hit-squad of Levi and Starling. It’s good.
And then - then, friend - the hot-footed scamps in our backline - hello, Ethan Strange, goodbye James Schiller, you can’t keep ‘em all - will scare their big pigs as Reece Walsh and co. scare ours.
Xavier Savage is on the verge of superstardom. Matt Timoko, too. Big Sebby Kris is not Mal Meninga. But he can rock-and-roll like Kiss, Kris. Something.
Yes! The kid, Chevy Stewart, will have all hell rained upon him by the Broncos boot-masters (their kickers, but y’know - boot-masters, has a ring). But he’ll know that. It’s not like a secret stored in the Australian Signals Directorate at Russell Offices.
And we’re going to do it to Walsh, too. And our guy kicks it lots higher. Lots and lots higher. Our guy is Thunder Boot from Space.
Jamal Fogarty is still under-rated - by which one means under-exposed - because Sydney media concentrate on Sydney teams and thus satisfy their audience, it is their remit, it’s the same with their coverage of Cowboys, Titans and Tasmania JackJumpers, doesn’t mean they don’t rate Thunder Boot or think he’s very good, but he’s in the fog, Fogarty, by dint of Daily Telegraph readers caring more for Tigers and Dragons and Sea Eagles, to wit, their people.
Regardless, Fogarty’s going to bomb shit out of Brisbane.
How about him? He’s raining mortars from space. He’s the Strategic Defense Initiative, the one nicknamed ‘Star Wars’, the missile defence system intended to protect the United States from attack by intercontinental ballistic missiles that was announced by Ronald Reagan in 1983 because he was against the doctrine of mutually assured destruction (MAD) which he described as a “suicide pact”, in my opinion quite rightly.
The Broncos? They will score tries, wet or not. Flash ones. Long ones. Their backs are best practice.
Walsh is Kid Fantastic, a hot-footed fool. Ezra Mam is Matt Bowen redux. Selwyn Cobbo, Kotoni Staggs, Corey Oates - serious horsepower there, do you see what I did there, the horsepower reference relates to Brisbane’s team name, the Bronco, I don’t know why they went with Broncos and can’t be arsed Googling it, maybe they have broncos in rodeos in the Queensland bush but you’d think they’d have called themselves Saddle Broncs or Rank Bulls after the mad beasts in the Gulf country, be more Aussie.
Regardless, they went with Broncos, the damned fools. And tonight the Raiders, totally not named after the NFL team from Oakland, will make them pay.
Because we’re going to beat them up in the forwards. Our guys are mighty thumpers. Mighty thumpers I tell you! And they don’t have Payne Haas. Or Thomas Flegler. Or Kurt Capewell.
Fringe first grade man Delouise Hoeter - good player, name like a concert pianist from New Orleans - is gone for the season, poor him.
Patrick Carrigan is their only forward of note and their pack and bench has a reserve grade tinge, a hint of Clydesdales, or whoever they run about in the Queensland Cup.
And it’s going to be wet. And our big fellows are going to run at them, hard, a lot, and they will tire from all the tackling, because humans do. And then we run and bomb and tackle and win.
Some numbers, possibly stolen from a betting site, possibly a tad askew given predicted rain, that could influence responsible gambling decisions include:
The Broncos have won eight of their last nine games at Suncorp;
The ‘L’? Last year to these our Canberra Raiders;
The last three meetings have been 1-12;
Seven of the last eight meetings between Brisbane and Canberra have been Over 34.5 points;
Five of Raiders six games in 2024 have been Over 34.5 points
All five Broncos games in 2024 have been Over 34.5 points
Jesse Arthars has scored a try in four of his last five games and had one disallowed in the other one;
Walsh has scored eight tries in his last 10 games;
James Schiller has scored seven tries in his last four games;
We are fuckin good.
Good enough to upset the sultry citizens of the big bush capital of Queensland, and go 4-2 and nearly top of the pops of this man’s National Rugby League competition.
Up The Milk, baby.
Up The Milk.
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In Milk book news, still got Milk books. They can be signed by the author and posted, and were you to Subscribe to the sealed-section of this here Substack thingy, you’d receive a book and a tremendous sense of wellbeing, fact.
Or not I don’t know. One assumes it couldn’t hurt.
Enjoyed the reference to the Private Bin!! By the time I had left Canberra, it had been renamed ICBMs!