Gone Troppo: Raiders to thrash Eels in air-soup of Darwin
Chance of rain, 98 percent humidity, still shtonking hot at kick-off, the only thing you should be doing in Darwin at 7pm is necking mighty stubbies. Or beating up upon Parramatta Eels
Darwin, eh? And Eels of Parramatta, and you would have to tip The Machine to shellack these people, even in the air-soup of the Tropics where we lost against Cows.
And whatever the origin of the fine and evocative term shellack, something to do with liquor from the olden days, and getting shellacked, and rolling through the streets of London like a rascal, and a wastrel, and so on, we will verily horse-whip the Eels tonight, and horse-whip them well.
Let us count the ways.
They had their sole season win over Dragons last start, while we beat Sharks at home with the greatest try since Maroon Mark Coyne’s one in 1994.
We’re on a roll, going so well after bashing up Warriors and Broncos that the NRL decided to crack down on us winning the ruck with the arcane art of cage-wrestling, and there followed the Night of the Brookvale Ridiculous.
And they’re running last.
Our halfback’s in career-best form and has a boot like a very smart cannon; theirs is a 26-year-old journeyman with 17 NRL games known as “Footy Dean” Hawkins. He replaces Dylan Brown who’s gone back to five-eighth because he’s not very good at playing halfback, Newcastle Knights have lost their minds.
Our backrow has two Origin players in hot form, and a 21-year-old who’s come ready-made for NRL from Super League. Matty Nicholson is on course for rookie, even backrower of the year.
Their backrow is Shaun Lane, Kitione Kautoga and a bloke whose folks asked for an apostrophe instead of a vowel, J’maine Hopgood, how about spelling that bastard to Telstra operators in Manila for the rest of your life.
There will be some heavy-hitting and big man-action when Joe Tapine and Josh Papali’i smash into Junior Paulo and Joe Ofahengaue, though the latter may not have offloaded since bopping about for Ipswich Brothers in 2008.
We’ve got Morgan Smithies on the bench, fuming that he’s not starting and looking to prove coach wrong. They’ve got a 20-year-old boy on the bench called Charlie Guymer from Temora who looks like an enforcer from the Riverina Juvenile Justice facility at Wagga Wagga.
And our entire backline, from fullback through seven, and onwards into starting and finishing hooker-schemers, I would have instead of their people, even their five-eighth, the man needs a dominant forward pack and very good No.7 like children do their daddies.
Look, I dunno - Roosters have beaten Panthers and Broncos, and we lost to Cows, and Parra’s coming off a win against Dragons who just flogged Gold Coast Titans but … what other result can one predict in good conscience than Canberra Raider 42 defeat Parramatta Eels 12? Torrential tropical rain, not withstanding.
In other news, there’s still this many copies of The Milk, the book, left in the quasi-sports-library, and if you would sling us $35 or click the Paid Subscriber button following, I will sign one of these bad-boys and post it out to you or someone you would gift it to, fact.
Up The Milk…